Why Mommy Shaming is Bad, and why Not-a-Mommy Shaming is Worse.

EDIT: I apologize for the rambling, ranting nature of this post. I was upset when I wrote it, which rarely makes for complete, well-thought-out works of literature. I do not, however, apologize for the content. It still riles me, and I still stand pretty firm in my convictions on this one.

Friends. Family. Acquaintances.

Knock. It. Off.


I can't tell you how many of my friends went through a "Mommy shaming is AWFUL, never ever do it! I never will! No no no!" phase. Then they had a kid, and all of the sudden they knew better than everyone around them about everything under the sun involving humans under 3 feet tall. No matter what.

Obviously, I'm not a mommy. That's another point I'll bring up later. But if getting pregnant and having children turns me into a know-it-all woman-hating judgmental , then I don't want kids. 

Seriously, enough.


Today, I witnessed another of those friends unleash a tirade of Mommy Shame. In a facebook status of essay proportions, I read three stories of mothers who made bad decisions. Some of those decisions were very, very bad decisions.

But I'm not the mommy police.


Below it was the comment:
"Just goes to show no parent is perfect, and we all have our bad moments and make poor decisions sometimes."

That seems like it should be safe, right?

Underneath it was a rebuttal that essentially said: "You're not a mom, and when you're a mom, you'll agree with me. You should."

Yes. Because they don't have children they am COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of understanding how the world works. They're also INEPT at understanding basic parenting concepts (like the fact that it's illegal to leave a child in the car while you shop. Thanks for letting us know, clearly no one would have known that otherwise). Obviously they can't form their own opinions until they give birth.

Also, apparently being a REAL Mommy makes it okay to Mommy Shame, but only if you're really mad and have a public place to complain about it.


Heaven forbid non-parents try to give REAL parents the benefit of the doubt, and recognize that even good parents can make really, really bad decisions, and still be good parents overall.

Because then the world might freaking end.


Point #1: Women (especially mommys) take ENOUGH crap from the world for doing their jobs to the best of their abilities. They're never green enough, clean enough, mean enough, or lean enough. And that's absurd. So, Mommys, KNOCK IT OFF. Stick together goshfreakingdangit. If you see a Mommy make a bad decision, offer to help, or shut up. Thumper's philosophy applies here.

Point #2: Don't you DARE ever, ever, EVER, tell a woman "you're not a parent so you don't get it." Because:
That woman might have just dealt with a horrible miscarriage. She might be dealing with all sorts of guilt and anxiety. She might face "why don't you have kids" questions multiple times weekly, to the point that she wants to stay at home and avoid all social contact. She might really, really, really want to be a mom, but can't. She clearly can't be allowed to participate in any interactions involving parenting, because she'll never "get it". Your comment just reminded her, again, of how inferior she is to you, you know, just in case she forgot.
OR
She might not be ready to have kids yet. She might just know a little about life and can try to offer advice. Just because she doesn't have little biologically-related humans running around her house and dirtying her carpet does NOT mean her opinions, insights, experiences, and thoughts are invalid. It also does not mean she is incapable of understanding your facebook status. And she might be super offended by your insinuation that her intelligence and life experience is clearly inferior to yours and that you obviously wish she'd shut up and stop using logic to say something nice and point out that you're reverting to mean girl status.
OR
She might not want kids, and she might not think your comment is rude or hurtful at all.

Yeah, let's hope every non-parent woman on the planet magically fits into the third category. Because that makes rashly saying "you're not a parent so you don't get it" an okay thing to do.

Let's also forget that there are THOUSANDS of other possibilities, many of which would create a situation that would facilitate your words coming across as cutting and harsh.

Point #3: They never said the specific instances you mentioned were "okay". I believe they merely tried to bring a little humanity and compassion to the thread. I suppose maybe they should apologize that in doing so, they might have exposed your status for what it was. You were Mommy Shaming. Accept it, move on, and don't do it again. You're better than that. Everyone is. You, like the other women, did something bad. (Fortunately you didn't break any laws.) Make it right.

goshfreakingdangitall. I'm not a mommy. And I don't know when I'll be one. But if being a Mommy means I have to deal with this, I think I might wait a while longer. Because this is asinine.

*end rant*